How to Take Care of Your
by Uozumi
Summary: Jack O'Neill is your guide to the members of the SG1 team. Archealogogist, Jaffa, Astrophysisit, and their revenge in the final chapter Commanding Officer.
1. Archeaologist

How this came about, I don't remember anymore, maybe Fire Seed does since she was there, but…

Well…

I don't own anything!

Uozumi

**_How to Take Care of Your Archeologist_**

__

Ever heard of the plant species known as Danielous Jacksonious or Daniel Jackson or Space Monkey or Danny boy or -

"Jack? What are you doing?"

Jack looked up from what he was typing, blinking a moment, trying to think up a good excuse. "Uh…er…the report!"

Daniel raised an eyebrow. 'Do I really want to know what he's doing?

_Space Monkeys can be very odd, usually coming in to my office randomly, one of their random acts of humanism. _

"Why does this make me nervous?"

"Because, it's about you," Jack answered the sarcastic, rhetorical question.

"Okay…" Daniel took it nonchalantly, then thought about it. "WHAT?!"

_Danny-boys can become sarcastic and unruly for no reason. What is best is to pretend you know nothing of their stress…_

"What exactly are you typing anyway?" Daniel narrowed his eyes, watching as Jack's fingers flew across the keyboard, that unsettling smirk on his features.

"It's about you," Jack repeated, deciding that confusion could be the best tactic.

Daniel stared, then advanced towards the computer.

"What are you doing?" Jack watched him step closer.

"I want to see."

"No you don't."

"Yes, I do."

Standing up, Jack shut off his laptop, "You will never know!" he proclaimed loudly, an arm trust in the air.

Then he grandiosely strode from the room, leaving Daniel shaking his head.

_Now let's talk about the biggest portion of the time your plant will spend:_

Alone in a dimly lit room, books and rocks scattered about, while trying to "unravel" some mystery that perhaps we don't really need to know.

This is the hardest time to care for your plant since he will truly become plant-like. If you let him be, soon his hair will reach the floor, he will grown a ZZ-top beard, and before you know it, turn to stone squinting over some rock.

If you really want him to start being a human-like again, remember to feed him and water him.

Yes, I know that getting him to eat might be tough, and you might be frustrated when only Egyptian mumbo-jumbo comes out of his mouth, but remind him that he is a human no matter how much he wants his hair to grow towards the light of his small desk light.

Coffee is a good sustainer for a while, and your Daniel Jackson will thrive on it for a time when supplemented with cold food, usually left over from when you were there five hours ago.

If this gets frustrating, just wait. Soon a mission will come and soon you will find that that plant of yours isn't really a plant, but possibly a pod person! I mean, who else could stare at a DHD for five seconds and interpret their constellations and the coordinates you need?

They might call this Danious Jacksoni - or whatever I called him…what about wookie? No…that wouldn't work…anyway - They might call him a genius, but he's really just a Space Monkey, and a pod person.

Yet, pod persons aren't that bad as long as you can put up with sarcasm and someone who waits five hours to eat cold food.

**THE END**

"I can't believe you just wrote that!"

"I can."

"A _wookie_?!"

"You are kind of fuzzy…."

"JACK!"


	2. Jaffa

BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND!

Now it's Teal'c's turn!

I DON'T OWN SG-1!

Uozumi

**_How to Take Care of Your Jaffa_**

Quietly Jack read each of his new e-mails; all praise for his ingenious How to Take Care of Your Archeologist. Leaning back in his chair, he regarded his computer, then opened a new Word document.

_How to Take Care of Your Jaffa_

Smirking, he began typing away.

_The species known as Jaffa can be sort of scary at first - I mean, a big Ra eye on their forehead, worm in their stomach…_

It's kind of disgusting at first.

Then you get used to seeing the thing every now and then…

Well, that's what's supposed to happen….

"Jack, what are you doing?" Daniel glanced wearily over at the SG-1 leader.

"Writing a report," Jack answered almost as though he was in a trance as his fingers flew across the keyboard.

"It better **not** be about me," Daniel muttered as Sam stared.

"Since when do you write reports?" she blinked.

"Since now."

_Your average Jaffa won't have a defining quality skin wise; however, their taste in culture might be a little off…._

"Perhaps we should return later then," Teal'c suggests, seeing how Jack was too immersed in his own writings to successfully conduct a group meeting.

_Also, there's the speech problem. If you haven't noticed yet, these Jaffa tend to avoid contractions and the everyday. They go in for old English, and if they say "thou" or verb th, I wont' be surprised._

Your Jaffa will always come equipped with a Ra symbol on its forehead batteries not included (that was a strange movie), and a nifty staff. This nifty staff comes in hand for stunning people and maybe cooking food - I don't know, they won't let me touch it - and also there's that freaky worm thing to contend with always.

However, each model varies from Jaffa to Jaffa.

"No, that won't be necessary," Jack murmured. "I'm listening."

"Then you heard me profess my love to Carter," Daniel looked to Jack.

"When was that, Dr. Jackson?" Teal'c blinked.

_Also, your Jaffa might not be quick on the uptake when doing "in" jokes. _

Glancing up, Jack regarded Daniel a moment, "Yeah, when was this?"

"Oh never mind."

_Another pesky habit these Jaffa have is wanting to find out about your culture. Now, you might think that this is all well and good in the neighborhood, but it isn't._

Give them a TV and you will never be sane again.

"What are you writing anyway, sir?" Sam glanced suspiciously at her superior.

"Nothing."

Daniel sighed, then looked to Sam, "I want to apologize for what Jack is doing to you before you find out -"

"This isn't about her, Space Monkey."

"What is it about, Colonel O'Neill?"

"Well, Teal'c," Jack met the Jaffa's eyes, "it's about sci-fi."

"Which one?" Teal'c inquired, interested immediately.

_Yes, sci-fi. If you place your Jaffa in front of the TV, the next time you see him, he'll be spouting new phrases, like, "Beam me up, Scottie," and, "We're doomed."_

Daniel's told me that these are from Star Trek and Star Wars, but, well…

"Well, you know me and sci-fi," Jack shrugged.

"What about you and sci-fi?" Daniel raised an eyebrow.

Jack sent Daniel a warning look, "That's enough out of you, Space Monkey."

_Anyway, once you've got them hooked on cable, you've got them hooked for life. The only things that will pull a Jaffa away from TNN's Star Trek or the bagillioneth running of Star Wars, is work, and…_

And…

Well, work, pretty much will pull him from it. 

"How long does it take to write a report in one sitting, sir?"

"Only a few minutes if certain Majors don't interrupt."

"Jack, we all know it's a random thing and not a report," Daniel sighed. As much as he liked his co-workers, he could think of how much he'd rather be looking at what Jack called "rocks," than sitting in the office that could barely hold all of them at the same time.

"Are you saying you want to flirt with the pretty nurse?"

Daniel went to retort, but no words came out.

"I thought so."

_All in all, your Jaffa is the more loyal than certain Space Monkeys, who mutiny from time to time -_

"HEY!"

"You brought it on yourself," Jack justified.

_More loyal than most humans, a Jaffa will save your ass a lot, however, there are others that will kick your ass just as much._

Personally, I would take this Jaffa, over any every day. He's a good friend and co-worker, even if he has an OCD for Star Wars.

**THE END**

"What is an OCD, Colonel O'Neill?"

"An obsession to the insane point."

"Like your 'reports'."

"Didn't I say that was enough out of you, Space Monkey?"

Since Jack was obviously avoid the question, Sam looked to Daniel for a straight answer, "What is it?"

"It's a -"

"You'll find out soon enough, Major," Jack smirked, "Your turn is coming."

"My…?" Sam stared.

Jack resisted cackling evilly, then shut his laptop, getting up, "Now, let's go!"

"Go where, Colonel O'Neill?"

Jack paused, then looked to them, then the unopened assignment on his desk. Sitting back down, he sighed, "Let's start the meeting."


	3. Astrophysisist

Okay, school's over, wedding's over, the evil SAT's decided they'd like to be over in October (don't get me started on that one).

So, that left me with only one thing to do, and I don't own anything!

Uozumi

::drum roll please::

Back by popular demand!

::trumpet fanfare::

**_How to Take Care of Your Astrophysicist_**

as told by Colonel Jack O'Neill

_Now, if you want someone who will imprint on your humor style, side with the evil doctor, and be the only woman in your SG-1 team, may I suggest you get a wonderful astrophysicist! Not to be compared with your archaeologist (also known as the Space Monkey), this astrophysicist will back you up when necessary even if she tries to crack jokes that only you can._

"You are not doing that again, are you?"

"And, why not?" Jack didn't look up from his laptop as Daniel sighed. 

"Because…because…"

"See? You can't give me an answer, so that makes it just fine!" Jack crowed, then reread his paragraph.

"It sounds like you're putting an ad in the paper for a dog."

"Not a bad idea, Space Monkey, not bad at all.

_Your astrophysicist comes with brains and brawn. Not only did she get straight A's in high school, and make the Dean's List numerous times, but this astrophysicist knows how and when to use a zat gun - handy dandy incase you run across some rabid telemarketers!_

"'Rabid telemarketers?'"

"Shush you," Jack pursed his lips, furrowing his brow in concentration.

"What about rabid telemarketers?"

Instantly Jack and Daniel's attentions snapped to the doorway where Sam stood, eyebrow raised. "Good of you to be here, Major."

Sam just gave Jack a "Dare I ask what you're doing?" look.

_Your astrophysicist is very smart not only with books, but with people too. If you try to pull one over her, she'll always see through it, even if you have to wave it in front of her face a few times._

"Nice, Jack."

"Shush, Space Monkey."

Sam walked deeper into the office room, peering over at the screen, "What are you writing? Another 'report?'"

"Precisely," Jack nodded, his fingers flying again.

_Now, when you're up against some Jaffa, this astrophysicist can kick tail, but if you're up against Tok'ra, well…_

"What the…? What is this, Colonel?"

_…Well, just tell them they need to have her home by ten p.m._

"Oh, this is a care guide."

"A care guide?"

_Just like Space Monkeys, astrophysicists are equipped with the inquisitor button. Once you pop it, you can't stop it._

"What's a care guide?"

"It's simple little piece called 'fanfiction.'"

"'Fanfiction,' sir?"

"Yes, 'fanfiction,' Major."

_If you dance around the question, sometimes she gives up._

"Sir, General Hammond sent me in here to say that there's a meeting in only a few minutes…."

"And, I will be there, Major, I just have something to finish up first."

"Surely the meeting is more important than this, Jack."

"Shush, Space Monkey."

_However, if you get too wrapped up in your dosey-doing, you might just get Space Monkey involved, and then you will be forced into slave labor (for example: meetings.) Meetings are evil things that astrophysicists attend without question. They can lead to many things, but never good things, unless you can count the one where SG-1 was formed._

"Colonel Jack O'Neill, General Hammond would like to know when you are planning to grace him with your presence in the meeting hall."

"Hey, Teal'c," Jack waved from his computer, "I'll be there in five."

"Five?" the Jaffa blinked, "Five what, Jack O'Neill?"

"Hours."

_Did I ever mention how sarcastic Space Monkeys are these days? Anyway, if you really insist on getting an astrophysicist, you can't have ours._

"Hours? I don't think he wants to wait that long, Dr. Jackson."

_You can't have ours because without ours, SG-1 isn't SG-1._

Now, if you want a Space Monkey on the other hand…

"Are you done yet, Jack?"

"One more sentence or two, Space Monkey, keep your glasses on."

Anyway, astrophysicists are great investments, but if you want ours, you'll have to go through SG-1 first.

**The End**

"Jack, are you done now?!"

"I told you to keep your glasses on, Space Monkey!"

"I had to clean them - sue me!"

"Dr. Jackson, Colonel O'Neill, the meeting…"


	4. Commanding Officer

::sniffle::

It's about to end.

Yes, that's right this is the last part in the four part short stories entitled _How to Take Care of Your…_

…Archaeologist

…Jaffa

…Astrophysicist

And now, without further ado, I don't own it, and this is the final fic of the series!

Uozumi

"What is this about again, Dr. Jackson?"

"Revenge," the young man with sandy hair in his early-thirties smirked slightly. "He called it fanficition, right, Sam?"

"Yes," she nodded.

Teal'c still stared with his questioning look, "What is fanfiction?"

"Good question…" Sam murmured.

"Fanfiction is when you take a story that's already been around and make shorter stories about it, you know, imitation is the highest form of flattery," Daniel explained.

"Yet, why would we be a fanfiction?" Teal'c inquired, attempting to comprehend this new human phenomena.

"Remember Wormhole Extreme?"

"I thought we agreed never to utter that name again, Daniel."

"Anyway, someone was inspired by it and created something with a little more intellectual and scientific meaning, called…" he clicked a few things, then brought up the page he wanted, "_Stargate: SG-1_."

"That's us," Sam stared.

"Yes," Daniel nodded, "and this is , and trust me, it can be very disturbing at times."

"How so, Dr. Jackson?"

Daniel glanced at Teal'c, then shook his head, "Okay, Jack's pen name is…Da Bomb…" Instantly Jack's bio page came up.

"Okay, now, let's see what format he puts these in…."

**_How to Take Care of Your Commanding Officer_**

as told by SG-1

_Your commanding officer is one who you are to look up to, who inspires you to do your best in every condition, and always keeps a mind on safety and your best interests. A commanding officer understands, thinks, and keeps from going overboard…_

"Daniel, what the heck are you writing?"

"That doesn't sound like Colonel O'Neill."

"I know! Just wait!"

_However, that is purely fantasy. A commanding officer is loud, impulsive, sarcastic…_

"What are you guys doing?"

_…is also able to sense trouble, even if he's too dense to figure out why he managed to hone on it in the first place._

"Nothing," Daniel shrugged.

"What are you doing, Colonel?" Sam smiled.

Teal'c simply raised an eyebrow, but remained silent.

"Well, I was looking for you guys…."

_He can be prone to loneliness and teasing. If you let him, he would probably golf through the Stargate…_

"…What are you doing, Space Monkey?"

"Something that I want to," Daniel's cornflower-blue eyes met Jack's brown eyes, "What are you doing?"

"I was looking for you guys so we could go over the brief for our next mission."

The room grew silent, all looking at Jack as he looked at them. "So, let's talk about the next mission," he prompted. "Seriously, you guys look like you know something I don't."

_Your commanding officer can be very dense when he's not being dense at the same time. He is a big contradiction just walking around, and doesn't know when to give up or shut up._

"We don't, Jack, proceed with the mission briefing."

"Then come out from behind the computer."

Daniel raised an eyebrow, "Why? I'm working on my research! I can't just -"

"Okay! Okay! Let's just start the meeting…" Jack grouched, then opened up the manila envelope, "Okay, we're going to be going to PV…"

_Your commanding officer can easily be thrown off course if you give him a plausible lie. He will believe anything that sounds like something you would be doing, and ignore his misgivings if you can pretend enough that you are really doing research or whatever._

"Space Monkey, are you paying attention?"

"Oh yes."

Jack studied him a moment, then sighed, "What is with you guys? You're all acting paranoid or something."

_Just because your commanding officer knows what he's talking about doesn't mean he trusts himself. Sometimes he does and sometimes he doesn't. If you are on a planet and he feels something strongly, you can't make him back down from his position, yet, when you are in the base or somewhere else on Earth, it's easier to get him side tracked._

"We aren't paranoid, sir," Sam spoke up, "Will you continue?"

"Yes, Colonel O'Neill, what are we to do after we get there?"

Jack eyed all three, stared intently at Daniel as the younger man's fingers flew across the keyboard, then he began to read the briefing where he left off, "…there you will find…"

_Of course, your commanding officer isn't stupid, he knows when he's being had. It's usually just a matter of time before he cracks, provided that you string out your deception long enough for him to finally fully decide to say something. _

"…and Space Monkey will type a letter to his girlfriend, and then he'll just keep ignoring me, and then…"

_Sometimes, if you pretend he doesn't exist, he says odd things to grab your attention, then either will give up, or…_

"What are you doing? Is your research so fascinating that you won't listen?"

Daniel looked up, 'Well, you rarely listened to us when you were doing this…'

"Actually, I'm writing a report."

Jack raised an eyebrow. "A report?"

_…or you'll cave in and try to throw him off for a while._

"Yes, a report."

"Like what kind of report?" Jack narrowed his eyes.  
Sam kept quiet, glancing at what Daniel had been slogging out as they exchanged looks.

"A vital report," Sam responded.

"Really, Major?"

_Although, when you cave in, you might be digging yourself a hole that is caving in around yourself if he decides that what you're doing is more interesting than what he's doing. _

"Really," Daniel nodded, "We have to do this for Dr. Frasier, unless you want -"

"Say no more," Jack held up a hand.

_Ah, yes, there are magic words when your commanding officer decides to try to smoke you out. Just say, "Dr. Frasier," or "Janet," and he'll be out of your business immediately. Your commanding officer has a fear of doctors (even though he claims he doesn't) and detests stays in the ward, and anything that has to do with being near it or in it. _

Jack continued to watch Daniel type. He had a bad feeling about this.

"Seriously, though…"

"Seriously, we're going to show this to Janet, right, Teal'c?"

Teal'c gave Daniel an odd look, "Why would we show Dr. Frasier your fanfiction, Dr. Jackson."

"F - Fanfiction?" Jack stared.

_Another thing about your commanding officer is that he will have a passion for odd hobbies, like fishing, and fanfiction writing (how that one came about, I don't think I want to know). Anyway, once he knows you share in one of these passions, he won't let you get away with it. _

"So, what are you writing?" instantly Jack was hovering over the computer."

"Oh, nothing…" Daniel drawled. "Why?"

Jack stared at him, "What are you writing?"

"Why?"

They stared at each other a moment, and then Daniel returned to it.

_Eventually even the densest of commanding officers will catch on…_

"HEY!"

_…to what you are doing._

"You're writing about me!"

"And, why not?" Daniel met Jack's gaze.

"Because - Because, I'm your commanding officer, and -"

_Also, sometimes he'll use faulty logic, like he's a civilian's commanding officer, when, technically, a civilian isn't bound by such a hierarchy. _

"Faulty…" Jack got behind the computer, then began reading what Daniel had wrote.

"Hey! I'm almost done!"

"I'm reading it!"

"JACK!"

"What do you mean, 'dense?!' I'm not dense!"

"Au contraire…."

_In the end…_

"Space Monkey, I wasn't done with that para -"

"Yes, you were."

_…your commanding officer is very commanding, loving to give out commands, but if you know how to evade them, you can get your work done as you want. _

Jack narrowed his eyes as Daniel continued typing.

_Anyway, your commanding officer is also shrewd, and knows when he's being had, but if any of us were the commanding officer, it just wouldn't work._

For SG-1, we need an officer that's brash, impulsive, sarcastic, and has our best interests at heart. We know he would give his life for us, and we would give our lives for him. We couldn't ask for more, except maybe that he could exercise a little more willpower when he starts demanding things of other civilizations. 

**THE END**

"I don't know whether to feel flattered or slandered."

"Was it not flattering, Colonel O'Neill?"

"Oh yeah, Teal'c real flattering."

"See, you are sarcastic!"

"That's enough out of you, Space Monkey, and I suppose **you** had something to do with this too, Carter."

"Yes, sir, it was partially my idea."

"I can't believe this!"

"Well, you have to, Jack, I just posted it."

"SPACE MONEKY!"


End file.
